PREPARED

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it. Not without pain, but without stain." -C.S. Lewis

DON'T FORGET...

"If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it."

Sometimes I just need a reminder of that. I thought maybe you could too. =]

THANKS

It's Sunday! When I was blogging regularly I tried really hard to make it a point to update this blog on Sundays every week. I struggled with consistency, but I'm going to give it a go again. =]

So here we are. I've been thinking a lot lately about blessings, as you may have guessed from my last post. Most people aren't aware of this, but I'm someone who gets overwhelmed with life pretty frequently. To be honest, I think I have a bit of an anxiety problem, but that's just a self-diagnosis, so I suppose you shouldn't put too much stock in that. =P

My point is, as wonderful as I acknowledge my life has been, we've been having a lot of trials lately too that have been extremely hard on me....everyone has their own trials and some things are harder for one person than they would be for another, right?...anyway, that's not the point of this post. This is -

There are some times when I think about all my problems, that I really do just need to vent and cry; it's therapeutic at times. But if I did that too often, then I would just be sad and depressed all the time. So when I need a pick-me-up, I stop everything, and take some time to think, and I mean really think and evaluate, all of the blessings I have in my life currently. It may sound a little trite and like far too simple of an exercise, but I'm telling you, when you take it seriously, it makes a world of difference.

All the bad things seem much more manageable when you realize what you've got going for you and, quite frankly, how much worse things could be. Even if it only helps for an hour or two, that's something, right? Keep coming back to it as needed to feel better.

For some reason, I felt like I needed to share some of my blessings that I've been especially grateful for lately. So here's my partial list.

• I'm grateful for my job. We are, frankly, so financially tight right now, and I don't make much. But I do have a job, and a job that I love at that, which is making a big difference for us while Travis is in school.
• I'm grateful that at my job, I have a friend who cares about the program and our kids as much as I do. My job would be impossible if I didn't. Someone understands everything that I'm dealing with and all that I want to achieve.
• I'm grateful for a husband who loves me unconditionally and would do absolutely anything for me. And he does [do everything for me]. He puts up with so much from me, and is never frustrated or short with me. What an incredible blessing he is. I know I don't deserve him.
• I'm grateful for prayer - that I can always go to my Father in Heaven and know that I am not alone in my pain. I can receive peace and answers to my prayers as often as I'm willing to turn to Him.
• I'm grateful for my parents who have been willing and happy to take us in. Of course, we would rather have our own home, but that's not feasible for us right now. Thanks to my parents, we're able to make ends meet, and they've been so gracious about the disruption we've caused them.
• I'm grateful for my babies [my puppies]. They may both have their flaws, but I am still convinced that I have the best two puppies in the world. They are such wonderful companionship and comfort to me, and bring me so much happiness. If you've ever had a pup, you understand. =]
• I'm grateful for my medication. For those who have never had the experience, breaking your pelvis hurts. Surprisingly, the pain has gotten worse over the last few weeks rather than better. But I've got meds that keep it mostly under control, and I'm so grateful that I do. I can't even imagine going through this process without them.
• I'm grateful for my wheelchair. Travis's dad was able to get a wheelchair for us to borrow, which has been an amazing help. Those of you who have been on crutches know how uncomfortable/bordering on painful they can be. It's been so nice to be able to wheel around the house in the [semi]comfort of a wheelchair.
• I'm grateful for a home in Arizona. Even though it's a [somewhat] non-sensical financial liability right now, I'm grateful that we have a house back in Glendale. I know there was some reason we were able to buy that house, and I am convinced that somewhere down the road it will serve us well, whether we're able to sell it for a gain or whether we move back and end up living there again.
• I'm grateful for some time off. I love my job. But it is so much more intense and taxing than I think anyone realizes. And considering my busy season [summer] is coming up all too soon, I need some R & R mentally and emotionally as much as I do physically.
• I'm grateful for new skills. If you read my other blog, you know I've taken up sewing, and I've fallen in love with it. I've always wanted to sew, and am so glad that I finally had time to start. I'm thrilled that I'll be able to continue to make cute clothes for myself and for my kiddos sometime down the road.
• I'm grateful for the help that my Heavenly Father has given me. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wouldn't be able to do all that I've done within my job on my own. The demands would run down anyone, let alone a person with fragile health like myself. It's been a struggle, but I've been able to do it and the program has completely flourished. And as I discussed in my last post, I know He has also been protecting me as well.
• I'm grateful that my windows are open. I don't do well with cold weather, as many of you know. Fortunately, this winter has been pretty mild as Iowa winters go, but it's still been rough on me. Even though it's getting a slow start, spring is finally coming and breathing life into this [now-slightly-less-dead] landscape.
• I'm grateful for sugar. I don't really think I need to say anything else. =]

PROTECTION

Those who have interacted with me lately know that I recently had a bit of an accident. I have, however, tried my best not to publicize this, so I'm sure there are plenty of people that aren't aware of what happened. Let me fill you -

Our last performances of the year were March 25 & 26. The auditorium brought in its biggest professional show of the year on March 15 which, as you can imagine, caused us to work around a lot of things during our rehearsals.

One of these things was the opening of the orchestra pit. For those who aren't familiar with theatre, the pit is a space below the stage where musicians sit for musicals with live accompaniment. The set up varies, but at our auditorium, part of the stage floor comes out (so the stage no longer extends as far as usual), and stairs are revealed that let you access the pit from the audience. The only way to access the pit from the stage is to jump in.

In essence, that's what I did. The drop from the stage to the pit is 8 feet straight down, onto hard concrete.

We had been rehearsing with the pit open for about a week and a half, and were being very cautious about keeping the kids far away from the opening. The pit cover was scheduled to be put back on Wednesday (two days before our show), and this happened the day before that, Tuesday, during rehearsal.

It was our first rehearsal for this group with full lights, set changes, costumes, EVERYTHING, and I was running around backstage. I was trying to talk to my assistant director, who was up in the control booth at the back of the audience, and I wasn't connecting with him, so during a blackout I walked out on stage to yell out to him. Somehow, I apparently completely forgot where I was and just...walked right off the edge of the stage.

As horrifying as it is, I've actually found quite a bit of humor in the incident (I know, you think I'm crazy). I find it funny because since this whole thing took place during a blackout, most people didn't even realize what happened. So when my assistant director brought the lights back up, and the kids on stage weren't doing anything, he got a little frustrated and was yelling for them to start the scene. He had no clue what was happening.

Also, use your imagination here: I realized later when I was sitting down in the pit, that I had been wearing a hat earlier, but it was now laying beside me. That's when I also noticed my script and my cell phone, which I had been holding in my hand, strewn about the floor. So I will forever have this Wiley Coyote image in my head of me walking off the stage, suspending in air for a moment or two, and then dropping like a rock while my script, papers, phone and hat fly up in the air (you've got to admit, it's kind of a funny image).

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me get to my point. I was so completely lucky when I fell. I've been saying it since the beginning and it's still becoming clearer and clearer to me.

I have two bone breaks in my pelvis. Which shocked me, quite frankly. When we went to the hospital I was completely convinced nothing was broken (because I would've had to have been in much worse pain, right?). But after my x-ray, the doctor informed that I had, in fact, broken my pelvis. Actually his first words in the room were, "Well, everybody should have a much higher respect for your pain tolerance."

So I've been in crutches/a wheelchair since then (which is now 3 1/2 weeks). I have an x-ray next week to see if I've begun healing and to get a better idea how long I'll be on this 'unofficial bedrest.' (Apparently if I were older, they wouldn't even bother x-raying me for six weeks, because it would just take that much longer to start healing.)

As you can imagine, being in a wheelchair made producing two shows very interesting. It was actually a very trying experience for me because I couldn't have the control over the shows that usually do. I'm always running around backstage making sure sets get moved, curtains get taken out, kids are in their spots, etc, and instead I had to be in the booth running the sound. It was difficult.

But again, my point is, it could have been so much worse. Infinitely worse. When I fell, it happened during a blackout as I said, and I didn't even realize what was happening until I was literally a millisecond from hitting the ground. I don't think my mind fully comprehended it until I felt the pain from landing on the ground. This actually was a huge blessing. I'm convinced that if I had realized what was happening, I would've tried to brace myself for the landing (it's human nature to tense up and stretch out your arms to catch yourself when you fall). If I had done that, I know I would have broken (if not shattered) my arms.

The right side of my pelvis is the part that's broken, so it's my right leg I can't walk on. Miraculously, every other part of me is completely fine. I'm so blessed especially that my left leg is fine. If I had even just sprained my left ankle, I would've been left completely immobilized.

And then let's just take a moment to really consider what could have potentially happened. I fell 8 feet into a concrete pit. If I had landed differently, if I had hit my head...there's no doubt in my mind that if someone fell in just a certain way into that pit, they could die.

I'm sure I was in some sort of shock when it first happened, or was experiencing an adrenaline rush, because everyone was freaking out about me and I was sitting down in the pit encouraging the kids to try to keep rehearsing (again, I know you think I'm crazy, but they had a show in three days! That wasn't going to change just because I took a tumble).

It's amazing to me to realize how coherent I was, considering the circumstances. I think the kids needed that. I know they were already scared, but if I had been sitting down there moaning or crying, they would've been even more upset or traumatized. I didn't realize this until a few days after the accident, but I didn't even cry at all. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but it is to me. My body's natural reaction to pain is tears. It kind of annoys me. But my tear ducts well up when I experience pain and I can't help it. Considering the amount of pain I was feeling, I should've been crying a river. But I wasn't.

That, in addition to my falling in what I refer to as 'the exact right way to fall,' are what I consider to be miracles. At the time, like I said, I was more focused on everyone else than me, so I wasn't really thinking about how terrifying this really was. But I realize it now. Every once in a while it strikes fear into my heart when I relive the fall and imagine landing at a slightly different angle.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I was being protected that day. Yes, I did fall. Bad things have to happen in this world. But again, if I had to fall, I fell in the best way possible. It's amazing to me that I could sustain a fall like that and only have two breaks in my pelvis. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father was with me that afternoon, protecting me from serious injury, and enabling me to keep a clear and conscience mindset while I had 30 kids at rehearsal.

This is a very dramatic example of the Lord's influence in my life. Sometimes (most of the time, really), His intervention on our behalf is much subtler. Often we don't even know it's there. We have no idea how many calamities He has prevented in our lives. We are never alone. He is here, watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us.

Don't ever forget that.

DIVINE INTERVENTION

For those of you who keep up on my other blog, you're now aware that Travis is no longer in medical school. This is still a topic I don't want to delve into too deeply, because it's a very sensitive and personal one. Still, I want to share a few things.

Medical school had been very hard on me. Unnervingly hard. Especially considering I was not the one doing all the work. Over the last six months, Travis and I had several conversations, where I sobbingly expressed my feelings, along with my desire to be supportive.

I did everything I could to deal with it. The long hours, the constant preoccupation, the new priorities. But I couldn't seem to come to terms with it. Particularly when I would think about the decade that was laid out before us: residencies, nights on call, months away from home on rural rotations. I was very fragile and, quite frankly, a bit of a wreck.

Neither one of us could really understand why this was such a trial for me. I'd like to think of myself as a strong person, and I hated that I was having such a hard time with this. But, as we finally start discussing alternative career paths, we both began to realize that Heavenly Father was working through me to get to Travis.

Let me explain. Travis realized, as he was making this new decision, that he had never prayed about becoming a physician. He had prayed about a mission, about school, about marriage, about the house....but not about this. He had realized his interest in medicine in high school, and had just decided to become a doctor. An understandable choice.

Fortunately for all of us, the Lord always seems to have a better understanding of what's best for us. But, when we choose not to counsel with or listen to Him, there's not too much He can do. We all, thankfully, have our agency. But He will still try to guide us to a path that is better for us. He sometimes just has to use "unconventional methods"...in our case, making me unable to deal with med school.

That may sound kind of strange....but we've had this conversation many times, and Travis has said repeatedly that the only thing that would make him stop and think, reconsider his career path, would be me. Nothing else would have gotten his attention enough, nothing else would have been important enough...but me. And even that took a good six months of misery.

So we talked. And cried. And prayed and prayed and prayed. We were going about it the right way this time. And, amazingly, we were able to reach such a huge decision very quickly, and it was one that we both felt so comfortable and excited about.

Interestingly, the exact moment that Travis told me he was considering withdrawing from medical school, the weight I had felt for the last six months was gone. Completely. I felt lighter and happier than I had in a long time. I was giddy.

He knew that I would support him no matter what. And I knew that too. But it wasn't the right thing for us. And, whether for good or bad, we sometimes put ourselves through tough situations before we come out to the right place.

Prayer is a powerful thing. Utilize it. Don't forget about it. And don't be too stubborn to actually listen when you do pray. Life is hard enough. There's no reason for us to make it any harder on ourselves.

...we both feel very confident that this is the better choice for our family, and for Travis professionally. I think that nursing will better play to his strengths, allow him to really work and interact with patients (which is what he really wants to do), and give him more opportunities for advancement and leadership. I really believe that this career will allow him to be happier with what he's doing.

And it will certainly make us happier together.

LISTENING & ACTING

A couple weeks ago we had a very ... somber ... experience. On Tuesday evening, Travis called his parents to ask them about some travel plans for months down the road. Before he could even ask a question, though, his mother told him that one of best friends from high school had passed away just a few hours before.

It was a jarring revelation for Travis ... the last thing he expected to hear, and so devastating. As we were both absorbing this news, I felt very strongly that we should make our way back to Iowa for the service. I asked Travis if that was something he wanted to do, and he said it was.

As we were debating about whether we needed to just get in the car that night and start driving or if we could wait until the next morning, we were trying to communicate with Travis's family to find out what plans were being made. Late that night they told us that there might not even be a public service, but that they would let us know first thing the next morning.

Even as Travis was relaying that message to me, while he was still on the phone with his dad, I still couldn't shake the impression that we needed to go to Iowa. I talked to Travis about this, and told him that I was more than willing to go and be with his family and friends, whether there was a public service or not. We talked about what he thought we should do, keeping in mind that he would be missing several days of school if we went.

I continued to talk to Travis about how I felt, but told him that it was his decision. He thought about it for a while, and decided that if there wasn't a service, we would stay home. We got a call in the morning (which was Wednesday), saying that the family had decided against a public memorial.

So that was that. We tried to stick to our routine the next couple days, but this was really all we could think about.

Then, on Thursday night, Travis's dad called to say that, after they had had some time to think about it, the family decided to have a service after all. Friday afternoon.

I was shocked. And so upset with myself. There was absolutely no way we could get there at this point (the driving time from Glendale to Des Moines is 24 hours, not including stops). We had missed our chance.

I had known that we should go. I had very clearly and very strongly felt that prompting. And I had known that I needed to vocalize that impression. So I did. But I didn't stand by it like I should have. I felt that, as long as I told Travis that I had the impression, we could continue to talk and discuss and then make an informed decision. A decision that I agreed to, which completely went against what I felt in my heart.

And then I found out why I'd felt that way. If I'd stood behind my conviction, we would have been in Iowa and able to attend the service that Travis had really wanted to be at.

That was a real lesson to me. I had thought I was following the promptings I'd received, but I wasn't. We have to follow the guidance we receive 100%, not just halfway. Because, as I learned, halfway is really the same as nothing.

We've got to truly stand by what we feel, and follow through with it. It's not enough to just acknowledge the prompting.

I thought I knew that.

I certainly know now. And I'm not going to forget next time.

MY ROPE

So yes, it's been a very long time since I've posted.

Excuse - things have been busy, this and that has happened, blah blah blah. You wouldn't buy it anyway, so I'll just go on with my ramblings now.

It's been a very interesting few weeks. It's been a strict dichotomy, too, because my life has been filled with fabulous and happy moments and really hard ones as well. What I've realized, though, is that the one thing that's been constant through it all is love.

Does that sound cheesy? It kind of is, I suppose. But it's true, and it's what the rest of my post is about. So if you don't like it, turn back now.

Yes, love. And I don't mean that sappy, chick-flicky kind. Don't get me wrong, that's fabulous too. But over the last couple of weeks I've been recognizing all the different kinds of love that have been helping me through everything.

There is, of course, the love of my husband, who loves me as his wife and his friend. We have romance and we have fun. He makes me smile and makes me feel better no matter what. When I'm sad, he holds me, and when I'm happy, he celebrates with me. I don't know what I would ever do without him, and I'm grateful I have such a wonderful man.

There is the love of my friends, both in Iowa and Utah, that I still get to talk to pretty regularly. Especially at a time where I'm feeling awfully lonely, it makes me happy to know that they care. And that even though their lives are continuing on without me around, there are things that happen throughout the day that make them think of me and that they want to talk to me about. I really love still having that connection.

There's the love of my puppy, who's always around to keep me company. Now some of you may laugh at this, but those who have had good dogs will understand. I'm at home in the apartment most of the day, every day, and she's there with me. She'll follow me from room to room because she wants to be with me, and she'll cuddle up in my lap and give me a hug when I need one. Seriously. And when I do leave, she's always sooo excited to see me when I come back, and that always puts a smile on my face too. She's my baby.

There's also the love of my parents, who check in on me regularly to make sure I'm ok and just to chat. They're my friends as much as they're my parents, and I know how much they love me. I also know it's really hard on them for me to be so far away, so their support means the world to me.

And finally, of course, there's the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel like I'm saying a lot of prayers for strength lately, and for patience. And even though I never get the answers I really want (like, say, this will be over soon, or it's going to get better), I always feel comforted and like I'm not alone. And that's exactly what I need right now.