THANKS

It's Sunday! When I was blogging regularly I tried really hard to make it a point to update this blog on Sundays every week. I struggled with consistency, but I'm going to give it a go again. =]

So here we are. I've been thinking a lot lately about blessings, as you may have guessed from my last post. Most people aren't aware of this, but I'm someone who gets overwhelmed with life pretty frequently. To be honest, I think I have a bit of an anxiety problem, but that's just a self-diagnosis, so I suppose you shouldn't put too much stock in that. =P

My point is, as wonderful as I acknowledge my life has been, we've been having a lot of trials lately too that have been extremely hard on me....everyone has their own trials and some things are harder for one person than they would be for another, right?...anyway, that's not the point of this post. This is -

There are some times when I think about all my problems, that I really do just need to vent and cry; it's therapeutic at times. But if I did that too often, then I would just be sad and depressed all the time. So when I need a pick-me-up, I stop everything, and take some time to think, and I mean really think and evaluate, all of the blessings I have in my life currently. It may sound a little trite and like far too simple of an exercise, but I'm telling you, when you take it seriously, it makes a world of difference.

All the bad things seem much more manageable when you realize what you've got going for you and, quite frankly, how much worse things could be. Even if it only helps for an hour or two, that's something, right? Keep coming back to it as needed to feel better.

For some reason, I felt like I needed to share some of my blessings that I've been especially grateful for lately. So here's my partial list.

• I'm grateful for my job. We are, frankly, so financially tight right now, and I don't make much. But I do have a job, and a job that I love at that, which is making a big difference for us while Travis is in school.
• I'm grateful that at my job, I have a friend who cares about the program and our kids as much as I do. My job would be impossible if I didn't. Someone understands everything that I'm dealing with and all that I want to achieve.
• I'm grateful for a husband who loves me unconditionally and would do absolutely anything for me. And he does [do everything for me]. He puts up with so much from me, and is never frustrated or short with me. What an incredible blessing he is. I know I don't deserve him.
• I'm grateful for prayer - that I can always go to my Father in Heaven and know that I am not alone in my pain. I can receive peace and answers to my prayers as often as I'm willing to turn to Him.
• I'm grateful for my parents who have been willing and happy to take us in. Of course, we would rather have our own home, but that's not feasible for us right now. Thanks to my parents, we're able to make ends meet, and they've been so gracious about the disruption we've caused them.
• I'm grateful for my babies [my puppies]. They may both have their flaws, but I am still convinced that I have the best two puppies in the world. They are such wonderful companionship and comfort to me, and bring me so much happiness. If you've ever had a pup, you understand. =]
• I'm grateful for my medication. For those who have never had the experience, breaking your pelvis hurts. Surprisingly, the pain has gotten worse over the last few weeks rather than better. But I've got meds that keep it mostly under control, and I'm so grateful that I do. I can't even imagine going through this process without them.
• I'm grateful for my wheelchair. Travis's dad was able to get a wheelchair for us to borrow, which has been an amazing help. Those of you who have been on crutches know how uncomfortable/bordering on painful they can be. It's been so nice to be able to wheel around the house in the [semi]comfort of a wheelchair.
• I'm grateful for a home in Arizona. Even though it's a [somewhat] non-sensical financial liability right now, I'm grateful that we have a house back in Glendale. I know there was some reason we were able to buy that house, and I am convinced that somewhere down the road it will serve us well, whether we're able to sell it for a gain or whether we move back and end up living there again.
• I'm grateful for some time off. I love my job. But it is so much more intense and taxing than I think anyone realizes. And considering my busy season [summer] is coming up all too soon, I need some R & R mentally and emotionally as much as I do physically.
• I'm grateful for new skills. If you read my other blog, you know I've taken up sewing, and I've fallen in love with it. I've always wanted to sew, and am so glad that I finally had time to start. I'm thrilled that I'll be able to continue to make cute clothes for myself and for my kiddos sometime down the road.
• I'm grateful for the help that my Heavenly Father has given me. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I wouldn't be able to do all that I've done within my job on my own. The demands would run down anyone, let alone a person with fragile health like myself. It's been a struggle, but I've been able to do it and the program has completely flourished. And as I discussed in my last post, I know He has also been protecting me as well.
• I'm grateful that my windows are open. I don't do well with cold weather, as many of you know. Fortunately, this winter has been pretty mild as Iowa winters go, but it's still been rough on me. Even though it's getting a slow start, spring is finally coming and breathing life into this [now-slightly-less-dead] landscape.
• I'm grateful for sugar. I don't really think I need to say anything else. =]

PROTECTION

Those who have interacted with me lately know that I recently had a bit of an accident. I have, however, tried my best not to publicize this, so I'm sure there are plenty of people that aren't aware of what happened. Let me fill you -

Our last performances of the year were March 25 & 26. The auditorium brought in its biggest professional show of the year on March 15 which, as you can imagine, caused us to work around a lot of things during our rehearsals.

One of these things was the opening of the orchestra pit. For those who aren't familiar with theatre, the pit is a space below the stage where musicians sit for musicals with live accompaniment. The set up varies, but at our auditorium, part of the stage floor comes out (so the stage no longer extends as far as usual), and stairs are revealed that let you access the pit from the audience. The only way to access the pit from the stage is to jump in.

In essence, that's what I did. The drop from the stage to the pit is 8 feet straight down, onto hard concrete.

We had been rehearsing with the pit open for about a week and a half, and were being very cautious about keeping the kids far away from the opening. The pit cover was scheduled to be put back on Wednesday (two days before our show), and this happened the day before that, Tuesday, during rehearsal.

It was our first rehearsal for this group with full lights, set changes, costumes, EVERYTHING, and I was running around backstage. I was trying to talk to my assistant director, who was up in the control booth at the back of the audience, and I wasn't connecting with him, so during a blackout I walked out on stage to yell out to him. Somehow, I apparently completely forgot where I was and just...walked right off the edge of the stage.

As horrifying as it is, I've actually found quite a bit of humor in the incident (I know, you think I'm crazy). I find it funny because since this whole thing took place during a blackout, most people didn't even realize what happened. So when my assistant director brought the lights back up, and the kids on stage weren't doing anything, he got a little frustrated and was yelling for them to start the scene. He had no clue what was happening.

Also, use your imagination here: I realized later when I was sitting down in the pit, that I had been wearing a hat earlier, but it was now laying beside me. That's when I also noticed my script and my cell phone, which I had been holding in my hand, strewn about the floor. So I will forever have this Wiley Coyote image in my head of me walking off the stage, suspending in air for a moment or two, and then dropping like a rock while my script, papers, phone and hat fly up in the air (you've got to admit, it's kind of a funny image).

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let me get to my point. I was so completely lucky when I fell. I've been saying it since the beginning and it's still becoming clearer and clearer to me.

I have two bone breaks in my pelvis. Which shocked me, quite frankly. When we went to the hospital I was completely convinced nothing was broken (because I would've had to have been in much worse pain, right?). But after my x-ray, the doctor informed that I had, in fact, broken my pelvis. Actually his first words in the room were, "Well, everybody should have a much higher respect for your pain tolerance."

So I've been in crutches/a wheelchair since then (which is now 3 1/2 weeks). I have an x-ray next week to see if I've begun healing and to get a better idea how long I'll be on this 'unofficial bedrest.' (Apparently if I were older, they wouldn't even bother x-raying me for six weeks, because it would just take that much longer to start healing.)

As you can imagine, being in a wheelchair made producing two shows very interesting. It was actually a very trying experience for me because I couldn't have the control over the shows that usually do. I'm always running around backstage making sure sets get moved, curtains get taken out, kids are in their spots, etc, and instead I had to be in the booth running the sound. It was difficult.

But again, my point is, it could have been so much worse. Infinitely worse. When I fell, it happened during a blackout as I said, and I didn't even realize what was happening until I was literally a millisecond from hitting the ground. I don't think my mind fully comprehended it until I felt the pain from landing on the ground. This actually was a huge blessing. I'm convinced that if I had realized what was happening, I would've tried to brace myself for the landing (it's human nature to tense up and stretch out your arms to catch yourself when you fall). If I had done that, I know I would have broken (if not shattered) my arms.

The right side of my pelvis is the part that's broken, so it's my right leg I can't walk on. Miraculously, every other part of me is completely fine. I'm so blessed especially that my left leg is fine. If I had even just sprained my left ankle, I would've been left completely immobilized.

And then let's just take a moment to really consider what could have potentially happened. I fell 8 feet into a concrete pit. If I had landed differently, if I had hit my head...there's no doubt in my mind that if someone fell in just a certain way into that pit, they could die.

I'm sure I was in some sort of shock when it first happened, or was experiencing an adrenaline rush, because everyone was freaking out about me and I was sitting down in the pit encouraging the kids to try to keep rehearsing (again, I know you think I'm crazy, but they had a show in three days! That wasn't going to change just because I took a tumble).

It's amazing to me to realize how coherent I was, considering the circumstances. I think the kids needed that. I know they were already scared, but if I had been sitting down there moaning or crying, they would've been even more upset or traumatized. I didn't realize this until a few days after the accident, but I didn't even cry at all. That may not sound like a big deal to you, but it is to me. My body's natural reaction to pain is tears. It kind of annoys me. But my tear ducts well up when I experience pain and I can't help it. Considering the amount of pain I was feeling, I should've been crying a river. But I wasn't.

That, in addition to my falling in what I refer to as 'the exact right way to fall,' are what I consider to be miracles. At the time, like I said, I was more focused on everyone else than me, so I wasn't really thinking about how terrifying this really was. But I realize it now. Every once in a while it strikes fear into my heart when I relive the fall and imagine landing at a slightly different angle.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I was being protected that day. Yes, I did fall. Bad things have to happen in this world. But again, if I had to fall, I fell in the best way possible. It's amazing to me that I could sustain a fall like that and only have two breaks in my pelvis. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my Heavenly Father was with me that afternoon, protecting me from serious injury, and enabling me to keep a clear and conscience mindset while I had 30 kids at rehearsal.

This is a very dramatic example of the Lord's influence in my life. Sometimes (most of the time, really), His intervention on our behalf is much subtler. Often we don't even know it's there. We have no idea how many calamities He has prevented in our lives. We are never alone. He is here, watching over us, guiding us, and protecting us.

Don't ever forget that.