LISTENING & ACTING

A couple weeks ago we had a very ... somber ... experience. On Tuesday evening, Travis called his parents to ask them about some travel plans for months down the road. Before he could even ask a question, though, his mother told him that one of best friends from high school had passed away just a few hours before.

It was a jarring revelation for Travis ... the last thing he expected to hear, and so devastating. As we were both absorbing this news, I felt very strongly that we should make our way back to Iowa for the service. I asked Travis if that was something he wanted to do, and he said it was.

As we were debating about whether we needed to just get in the car that night and start driving or if we could wait until the next morning, we were trying to communicate with Travis's family to find out what plans were being made. Late that night they told us that there might not even be a public service, but that they would let us know first thing the next morning.

Even as Travis was relaying that message to me, while he was still on the phone with his dad, I still couldn't shake the impression that we needed to go to Iowa. I talked to Travis about this, and told him that I was more than willing to go and be with his family and friends, whether there was a public service or not. We talked about what he thought we should do, keeping in mind that he would be missing several days of school if we went.

I continued to talk to Travis about how I felt, but told him that it was his decision. He thought about it for a while, and decided that if there wasn't a service, we would stay home. We got a call in the morning (which was Wednesday), saying that the family had decided against a public memorial.

So that was that. We tried to stick to our routine the next couple days, but this was really all we could think about.

Then, on Thursday night, Travis's dad called to say that, after they had had some time to think about it, the family decided to have a service after all. Friday afternoon.

I was shocked. And so upset with myself. There was absolutely no way we could get there at this point (the driving time from Glendale to Des Moines is 24 hours, not including stops). We had missed our chance.

I had known that we should go. I had very clearly and very strongly felt that prompting. And I had known that I needed to vocalize that impression. So I did. But I didn't stand by it like I should have. I felt that, as long as I told Travis that I had the impression, we could continue to talk and discuss and then make an informed decision. A decision that I agreed to, which completely went against what I felt in my heart.

And then I found out why I'd felt that way. If I'd stood behind my conviction, we would have been in Iowa and able to attend the service that Travis had really wanted to be at.

That was a real lesson to me. I had thought I was following the promptings I'd received, but I wasn't. We have to follow the guidance we receive 100%, not just halfway. Because, as I learned, halfway is really the same as nothing.

We've got to truly stand by what we feel, and follow through with it. It's not enough to just acknowledge the prompting.

I thought I knew that.

I certainly know now. And I'm not going to forget next time.

MY ROPE

So yes, it's been a very long time since I've posted.

Excuse - things have been busy, this and that has happened, blah blah blah. You wouldn't buy it anyway, so I'll just go on with my ramblings now.

It's been a very interesting few weeks. It's been a strict dichotomy, too, because my life has been filled with fabulous and happy moments and really hard ones as well. What I've realized, though, is that the one thing that's been constant through it all is love.

Does that sound cheesy? It kind of is, I suppose. But it's true, and it's what the rest of my post is about. So if you don't like it, turn back now.

Yes, love. And I don't mean that sappy, chick-flicky kind. Don't get me wrong, that's fabulous too. But over the last couple of weeks I've been recognizing all the different kinds of love that have been helping me through everything.

There is, of course, the love of my husband, who loves me as his wife and his friend. We have romance and we have fun. He makes me smile and makes me feel better no matter what. When I'm sad, he holds me, and when I'm happy, he celebrates with me. I don't know what I would ever do without him, and I'm grateful I have such a wonderful man.

There is the love of my friends, both in Iowa and Utah, that I still get to talk to pretty regularly. Especially at a time where I'm feeling awfully lonely, it makes me happy to know that they care. And that even though their lives are continuing on without me around, there are things that happen throughout the day that make them think of me and that they want to talk to me about. I really love still having that connection.

There's the love of my puppy, who's always around to keep me company. Now some of you may laugh at this, but those who have had good dogs will understand. I'm at home in the apartment most of the day, every day, and she's there with me. She'll follow me from room to room because she wants to be with me, and she'll cuddle up in my lap and give me a hug when I need one. Seriously. And when I do leave, she's always sooo excited to see me when I come back, and that always puts a smile on my face too. She's my baby.

There's also the love of my parents, who check in on me regularly to make sure I'm ok and just to chat. They're my friends as much as they're my parents, and I know how much they love me. I also know it's really hard on them for me to be so far away, so their support means the world to me.

And finally, of course, there's the love of my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I feel like I'm saying a lot of prayers for strength lately, and for patience. And even though I never get the answers I really want (like, say, this will be over soon, or it's going to get better), I always feel comforted and like I'm not alone. And that's exactly what I need right now.

I'M BEING WATCHED

...and that's a good thing.

Two things have happened in just the last 24 hours - one an event, the other a realization - to remind me that Heavenly Father is watching over us, and he's going to make sure we're alright.

First, a little backstory.

When we were still in Utah, Travis and I started discussing the idea of getting one of those motorized scooters you see people driving around on for him to ride to school down here. This was when we thought we'd be buying a house, so we'd be living a lot further from the school; hence, it would save us a lot more on gas. Then we came across a killer deal on one, so we snatched it up.

As you know, we're now living in an apartment super close to the school. We figured out that between paying for insurance and registration, plus the fact that we're so much closer now, it really just wasn't worth it. So we decided we needed to sell.

We'd been talking every weekend about getting it listed, but we just hadn't yet (and I don't know if you've tried selling a vehicle yourself before, but it's not super easy or fun). Then yesterday afternoon, one of Travis's friends from school called him up to say he had someone who might be interested in the scooter. He handed the phone over to the guy (it was his next door neighbor, and he apparently was right there), and Travis told him about the scooter. Then we emailed him some pictures and more info, and he came by early evening to test drive it.

Then, he came back an hour later, gave us cash for the scooter, and drove it home.

Omigosh.

Not only was that, like, the easiest thing ever, but we could really use the money right now. And BAM. It just fell into our laps. What a miracle.

We are being taken care. This adventure (trial) of med school is going to be super rough; I'm realizing that more and more each week. But we'll be ok. We've got help.

Now, I mentioned two things at the beginning of the blog. That was the first. The second has to do with our housing situation.

Again, you'll need a little backstory.

AZCOM is apparently connected with one of the big state schools in Ohio (I forget which one right now), and for the rotations part of the education, which takes place the third and fourth years of med school, they send about 50 - 60 students to Ohio. Now Travis and I always assumed that was sort of done on a volunteer basis, at least to start with, but apparently it's completely lottery. Oh boy.

I found that out a few days ago. And that itself made me wonder. Then it occurred to me today that, if we had in fact bought a house and then we did in fact move to Ohio two years later, we'd have to pay back the $8000 federal housing credit that we were banking on to get this house thing to work (for those that don't know, first-time home buyers that purchase a house before November of this year qualify for an $8000 tax credit. If you don't owe taxes, you get the cash. But that house has to remain your primary residence for at least 3 years, or you have to pay it all back).

So not only would we be needing to try to sell a house on very short notice in a probably still failing market, but we'd have to make enough profit to pay both realtor's fees and return the $8000 credit.

Omigosh. Again.

That would have been a nightmare.

So now I'm very interested to find out what will happen in two years - if we'll be hanging out here still, or if we'll be packing up and moving to Ohio. Who knows?

But what I do know, as I've said before, is that we're being watched over, and taken care of. However rough these next several years are, we're going to be ok.

We're going to be ok.

GUIDANCE

With everything that's happened to us lately, I can't help but be grateful for the personal revelation we can receive from our Heavenly Father.

As I'm sure everyone knows by now, we were trying endlessly (and failing endlessly, too) to buy a house down in the Phoenix area. It was frustrating and heartbreaking and exhausting. I would be lying if I said I wasn't completely overwhelmed and questioning whether or not we would be living on the streets.

When we found this apartment, we were still planning on vigorously searching for a house. Purchasing a home instead of renting for four (or more) years makes perfect sense, personally and financially. But once we got here, we both started feeling like we were supposed to stay here.

It reminded me a lot of when we first started talking about coming down to Arizona in the first place. Neither of us wanted to come here for Travis's interview, but we did. Afterward, we were both individually growing attached to Arizona, but neither of us said anything at first; we thought the other didn't want to have anything to do with this place. But we were being prompted to realize that this was the right place for us, for whatever reason. And after more discussion and prayer, we knew that it was.

The same thing now has happened with this apartment. We both started to come to this conclusion individually, and then we talked it out and made the decision together. One of the biggest indicators to me that this is right is how at peace I feel with this choice. I would not have been ok with being in an apartment two weeks ago. But now there's nowhere else I'd want to be. That transformation in my attitude is still a little odd to me, and there's a part of me that can't help but continually point out the financial benefits of buying a home instead of renting. But in spite of those things, I'm still ok. I'm better than ok. I'm happy and content and at peace.

It's a decision that may not seem to make a lot of sense to other people, even those who are very close to us and our situation. But that's the thing about personal inspiration. It's personal. No one else could make that decision for us, and no one else should be trying to.

It seems like almost every major decision I've made in my life has been one that doesn't appear to be the logical choice. Whether it was going to school at Penn, moving out to BYU, choosing to stay home now...there was always somebody (and oftentimes myself as well) questioning whether I should really be doing what I was. But each of those decisions was one I was led to by the Lord, and one I had prayed and prayed about, and for whatever reason, I knew it was right. Those decisions have led me to my husband and that happiest times of my life. And even though they were terrifying, and I still don't fully understand some of the reasons behind them, I know that I was following the path I'd been led to by the Lord. And that gives me strength.

We may never know why we're supposed to stay in this apartment right now when, on paper, this decision seems to be completely wrong. But we're following the promptings and the confirmations we've received, and that's all we need. We have each other, and we have our faith.

Nothing else matters.